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A Day In The Life Of Ed Woodward

07:00 am

I awake to the glorious sound of the Lighthouse Family filling the room. Yes! Yes I could be lifted! It’s a suitably rock n roll start to a day on which yours truly is the headline act.

Club tie. Lucky Penfold underpants. Freshly pressed slacks. Let’s do this! Today’s the day I put my balls firmly on the table and lay all my cards on the line. They’ll all be talking about me tomorrow that’s for sure! I run downstairs and spend a good 20 minutes contemplating which cereal to have from the variety pack whilst sipping on a strong cup of Mellow Bird’s. It definitely won’t be the last important decision I’ll make today!

08:45 am

Arrive at work listening to Garry Cook’s self-funded audiobook ‘Bottled It’. What an inspiration that man is. All that I know most surely about business and football I owe to his visionary genius. He’s right up there with Gerald Ratner and Phil Collins as my all-time hero.

I check my emails. Still to hear back from that the Nigerian prince who needed my help transferring funds out of the country. Strange. I better resend my bank details just to make sure.

09:03 am

A furious Dave Moyes storms into my office and I very nearly soil both myself and Penfold. He’s miffed we’ve not signed Fellaini yet. Apparently we could have effing done with him against effing Liverpool. I tell him to chillax ‘pal’ (get him onside) and explain I’m all over it like marmalade on toast.
He asks why I didn’t trigger the effing release clause weeks ago. I assure him I know exactly what I’m doing and he’ll be amazed by the how much we end up paying. He tells me to just effing sort it and storms off calling me a ‘chinless twit’. I think…

09:48 am

I send a message out to my entire Outlook directory announcing that Bebe is available. No immediate response. I’ll keep an eye on that.

10:30 am

I get hold of Bill Kenwright via FaceTime. He’s dressed as a pantomime dame – makeup, wig – the works. I ask him if it’s for a part, he’s says no. We get down to business and I offer him £30m for both Fellaini and Baines; he doesn’t say a word and flounces out of the room in a huff. Pure Kenwright. I sit there awkwardly sucking on a Mento until he returns. “Okay okay Bill, you drive a hard bargain – how about £28m plus an extra £3m based on wig sales…Bill. Bill?” We seem to lose connection. Darn nabbit!

11:20 am

With no word back from Kenwright I open Dave’s Excel spreadsheet – allowing macros – and look down his list of targets. Ander Herrera. Dave’s included a note saying: “May be tricky – Basque and plenty of red tape”. Sounds a little kinky for my liking but what the hell, I make the call. I’m told there’s a non-negotiable €36m buyout fee. I assume that’s a negotiating tactic and open negotiations.

11:49 am

Someone calls for Bebe! Wrong number. Ho hum.

12:14 pm

Good news at last – the canteen are doing rice pudding! As usual I sit on my own and use the time to gather my thoughts. I look over to Dave and smile. He snarls and sends Steve Round over. “You got anywhere with those targets? Don’t you think you should be cracking on?”

“Oh to hell with you Steve you short-arsed lout. Let me get on with my sodding job”, I imagine saying. I was leaving anyway.

13:17 pm

Offer Bebe to Harry Redknapp. He considers it briefly but no, no dice…

13:50 pm

I manage to get through to Bill and quickly offer him £32m before he can hang up. He says £25m for Fellaini and no Baines. Cripes. I say I’ll think about it. There’s a call on the other line and I can tell it’s international because the ringtone is slightly different (as explained in Gill’s handover notes). It’s Bilbao. The player is keen – wahay!

15:47 pm

It turns out the Herrera deal is going to be more complicated than I thought. Athletic are digging their heels in and there’s complex permit issues. I ask whether it’s the same permit issues that put pay to my investment in Estafador Villas a few years back. He says he doesn’t understand. Neither did I, Pedro. Neither did I.

I’m advised to get expert lawyers involved at the Spanish end or even fly over myself if possible. I decide on the former. Since the flight back from Oz and all that time I had to spend in custody I’m not keen. Piece of advice: if a Peruvian chap ever offers you a container of what looks like Splenda at the airport, keep walking. Oh the shame!

16:55 pm

Mary Mother of Moses! Somebody wants Bebe! Hurrah! This calls for a celebratory Yakult!

18:11 pm

Dave is back and he’s swearing like a sailor on leave. He has a face like thunder and I’ve never seen him look quite so Scottish. “Get me an effing midfielder! Get me two effing midfielders! Get me the effing left-back I asked for back in July ya wee (c word)!”

I tell him I’m not at home to Mr Rude but it just makes him angrier. He grabs me by the lapels and asks if I’d like a Glasgow kiss. I suggest an Eton hug and he backs away. Pity.

20:14 pm

I switch on the TV to see how our rivals are doing (I’ll get you next time Bale!) and there’s three shifty Iberian types entering a building. Like Boggis, Bunce and Bean but with tans. They’re the types who’d offer you a holiday rental car at very competitive rates and then scarper with your deposit. I haven’t forgotten.
The lady reporter says they’re representing Manchester United! I nearly choke on my Fruit Shoot. Not on my ruddy watch they aren’t. I immediately ring NatWest and ask them to cancel the cheque. Who’s next on the list? Sami Khedira. Dave stomping and growling outside. Eeks! I nervously bid £14m. They hear £40m and it’s rejected. Darn it!

21:52 pm

I Skype Ken and we’re close to agreeing a £25m deal for Fellaini. Again we’re interrupted by a call from Spain. It’s all go!

They say Herrera is desperate to play for us and is even willing to take a £1m pay cut to push the deal through. Interesting. In a daring move I ask whether he’d be willing to part-fund the purchase of Fellaini, with easy to manage instalments deducted from his monthly pay for the next five years. It backfires. Ah well, worth a try!

I’m back on to Bill. He says he saw everything on the webcam. He knows the Herrera deal’s off and the Fellaini price just went up to £27.5m. Ooh the cheeky minx!

22:33 pm

There’s not long left and Dave’s expecting at least a midfielder and Baines. I Google ‘left-back’ and find a chap who looks the spit of Pat Sharp. His name is Fabio Coentrao and instead of living in the Fun House with a pair of lovely twins he plays for Real Madrid. I pick up the receiver and dial 9 for an outside call…
It turns out not only does Coentrao want to come but Real are willing to loan him to us – result! All I have to do is fax over the necessary paperwork and it’s a done deal! Now we’re cooking! The fax machine jams a little but it’s done and dusted! Yay me!

22:54 pm

Whilst I’ve been busy faxing Madrid it turns out Dave has taken things into his own hands re Fellaini. Bit rude but hey-ho. He’s spoken to the player who’s agreed to hand in a transfer request. I’m not sure what that means but the price has somehow come down! Ace of Base! It’s all coming together! I tell Dave about the Coentrao deal and for the first time today his face almost creases into a smile!

He explains that the Fellaini transfer is agreed and all I have to do is fax the Premier League in the next few minutes. I run over to the machine faster than you can say ‘Casillero del Diablo – Official Wine Partner of Manchester United’.

Dave asks why I’m shredding the letter. “Shredding? This isn’t the shredder! This is the fa…oh. Oh crumbs.”


 

118 Comments

  1. FletchTHEMAN says:

    Anyone have a link to Zaha’s assist for England U21′s v Finland? Heard he played well, and Michael Keane also played 90min in defense!

  2. DreadedRed says:

    If players don’t get sufficient rest in the off-season, adjustments are made to their pre-season time-table. Unless of course you don’t care if they are burnt out come the business end of the season. I expect that Moyes rather fancies having Kagawa available and in good form come April and May next year. Denying the sports scientists prerequisites may have beefed up our squad for the first 3 encounters, but is hardly the way to compete for silverware. It’s short-sighted, careless and most definitely costly.

  3. DreadedRed says:

    Further, if you accept that he was not available to Moyes, it seems a bit draconian to be demanding his inclusion in the starting line-up for the very first game of his season, when other players are match-fitter. Perhaps it’s best for Kagawa to only play 60 minutes? Perhaps only 30.

    No doubt, if he doesn’t play the entire match, there will be idiots claiming that it reinforces their “knowledge” of Moyes’ low opinion of Kagawa.

  4. mara says:

    @ King Eric…in this moment Real is better than United…so he didnt say anything wrong. He has to say that, they dont like him. He said that he never felt wanted there…he has to get their simpathy…
    Like, Herrera said that he never wanted left Bilbao..yeah give me a brake…no, he wants to stay in cluv that cant get in top 10 in their league…
    Oezil was saying the same, and then addmit that he changed his mind…

  5. Jones says:

    The last minute bids had took place. If they didn’t the club would officially deny. It was not all tabloid talk. Khedira and his agent both confirmed this. What agenda could they possibly have in claiming this? It would mean that Real Madrid are very much in that conspiracy,whatever it is. I never said we bid for Thiago. I said we had been tracking him and Moyes pulled the plug. So why did he bother looking into a player he didn’t want. Thiago said he never spoke to United,but his father confirmed that there was serious interest. With De Rossi, Roma confirmed that we made a bid and they rejected it. Twice. What agenda would they have in making such claims? In all these cases there was no official denial by the club,yet we made certain to deny that we made a bid for Bale. So given the massive negative publicity,why would there be zero effort to make it clear that these are completely false claims. But Moyes made the Bale issue clear. It’s funny that you don’t discount the Coentrao issue as false claims but state without any justification that the others are just false claims. What is the difference between these cases? In all these cases there was some sort of confirmation from the affected parties. Unless for some reason the whole world is against United and everyone is determined to go out of their way to facilitate bad publicity against the club out of the hundreds of clubs in Europe.

    So there is no going round this. Woodward screwed up big time. But since you believe he didn’t,feel free to explain just how gloriously Woodward and Moyes conducted their transfer business. Let us know the logic of nearly 3 weeks chasing an obvious lost cause. The excellence of the Everton bids and why it is in fact a boost to United’s reputation the way that was done. Educate us please on why all our transfer activity was done in the very last hours of the window. Help us understand the wisdom of waiting for 9 weeks to begin bidding for Herrera etc. After this let us know that the club’s reputation was not affected negatively by the dealings of Mr Woodward

  6. Damian says:

    Don’t believe I’ve ever laughed so hard haha..

  7. Wee Toms Ligaments says:

    United’s reputation is not based on transfers. It is based on winning league titles, Cup titles, European Cup titles, and a relentless drive to score late and never give up.

    I highly doubt any prospective player is goin to shun a chance at playing at United because of the first transfer window post-Ferguson. Reality check. United are the biggest club in England and the most recognized Professional Football “brand” on the planet.

    I am not condoning the last second bids, however, I do not think any professional footballers will think less of United now. The fans may be embarrassed, but not the people who count.

  8. samuel - united WE stand says:

    I think those that are in denial, reality tends to be the remedy. If anyone can claim this transfer window wasn’t shambles then good fortune to you.

  9. mig78 says:

    To DJScouseinDaHouse at 12:18,

    At Liverpool, every year it’s “This is going to be our season!”
    They never win the Premier League….

    At United, every year it’s “We’re fucked if we don’t buy players! What cunt is handling our transfers? The Manager’s dithering. We missed all the best targets! Who’s this twat we bought? Look at all the quality our rivals have bought. We’re doomed!”
    We usually win the Premier League….

  10. scholes says:

    i hate to be a conspiracy theorist but cesc’s transfer saga could have been a perfect case of player (and his agent) fanning and using our interest for his cause. if fabregas doesn’t get enough opportunities this season, our failed attempt must have gotten registered as an act of showing genuine interest.

    it was obvious that moyes and woodward do not rate youngsters like lamela, errikson, strootman, boateng (did woodward and co have knowledge of their availability or existence?) etc. from the tiniest pool of players left, transfers were hard to get through at first place.

    there is no denying from the fact that woodward screwed big time but he is new to his job and so is moyes. paying 36 million for an unknown or 100 million for a single player would have been a statement of intent but egregious business.

    hope everybody learns from this summer break.

  11. Dayus D red says:

    I don’t want put any spin on this but i wonder what our reaction will be if it turned out after the window that fabregas was available and we didn’t go for him. I guess it will the same as people asking why we didn’t go for Ozil when we have Rooney and Kagawa. These guys play in the same position. We can’t even give Kagawa game time yet people still want Ozil. May take is this. Time will who get the better deal. But its all down to David Moyes now. No matter what people say (ABU’s and some fans) we have a better squard than last season. Felliani addition to our MF brings strenght that we lack. Moyes should pick the best team every week. With the highest regard and respect to Giggs, i think its time he decline being picked. He should leave when the ovation is loudest. He should remeber people remebers the bads about you while the goods are quickly forgotten. Moyes should find a way of playing Carrick, Felliani, Rooney, RVP, and Kagawa in the same team. These guys are good as anybody in Europe.

  12. safichan says:

    @scholes

    “here is no denying from the fact that woodward screwed big time but he is new to his job”

    Come on…he is new to his job…yes…but this job is for Manchester United Chief Executive and he is ain’t new with Man Utd. Pls dont give an excuse. He is a chief executive of the biggest football club in the world. There no room of failure shall be permitted. Its not the matter of how much you spend the money to buy certain player (becoz its subjective and involve many other factors). its the matter of how efficient you handle the transfer activity. Oh Pls…dont give a excuse…

  13. safichan says:

    @scholes

    “there is no denying from the fact that woodward screwed big time but he is new to his job”

    Come on…he is new to his job…yes…but this job is for Manchester United Chief Executive and he’s ain’t new with Man Utd. Pls dont give an excuse. He is a chief executive of the biggest football club in the world. There is no room of failure shall be permitted. Its not the matter of how much you spend the money to buy certain player (becoz its too subjective and involve many other factors). its the matter of how efficient you handle the transfer activity. Oh Pls…dont give an excuse…

  14. TheCANTONA says:

    Off topic. Richard keys had another pop at the british game. But it is well worth considering. The logic will be lost on anyone who doesn’t follow english football closely. But I am not going to rewrite the entire paragraph.

    Keys blogging about England teams failure to follow European rules:

    “So it’s the referee’s fault again is it? If he doesn’t book Danny Welbeck then he plays on Tuesday.
    Really? Just like Nani shood have been sent off at Old Trafford last year. Not only would Utd have beaten Real Madrid – they’d have won the Champions League. Sorry. Wrong. Nani had to go. And Welbeck was correctly booked. Kick the ball away like that – expect to get booked. Welbeck’s fault. And until we start playing to the same rules as the rest of Europe at club and international level we won’t win anything.
    Now we’ve got a job on. But I still believe we’re good enough to do it. Come on England…!

    Me, I have been saying this for along time. England and UK based teams are disadvantaged in Europe because of different reading of rules. That said…… I still blame Cakir ;)

    just show that cunt keys this video mate:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXOKFtJ-rNI

    yeah only british players and clubs can’t read the rules?!

  15. TheCANTONA says:

    @FletchTHEMAN:

  16. Dante says:

    “choke on my fruit shoot”

    LMAO

  17. mara says:

    @Samuel spot on…

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