Vacuus Casa Febris: An illness which is most infectious outside of Manchester, exhibiting symptoms such as inane rambling, increased frustration and rage, and an incredibly bitter taste in the mouth. The best cure, as far as we can tell, is to jump on a red bandwagon or avoid all contact with BBC 1 at 10.25pm on a Saturday.
Also known as Empty Cabinet Fever.
Oh dear, that Piers Morgan is at it again. Can you imagine if we had such a pompous twat supporting our team, publishing his weird and not-so-wonderful ideas on a weekly basis in the press? It’s embarrassing.
In yesterday’s Daily Mail, Morgan wrote an article entitled “My 10-point guide to beating Red Swine Flu”. Yes, it really is as bad as it sounds.
He describes the illness as a “potentially lethal affliction that emanates from pig-like creatures wallowing together in a muddy, rain-infested sty in the Trafford borough of Manchester.” Strange that he likens our players to animals, given the baboon nature of Martin Keown and uncivilised behaviour of their food-slingers when we ended their unbeaten run.
Morgan then goes on to give a 10 step help guide to fellow suffering Goons about how best to beat the illness.
Step one: Take out the carrier. Yes, it is in this vital step Morgan refers to the most successful British manager of all time as “Chief Porker”.
Step two: Deal with greedy Ronaldo. Whilst those who read this blog regularly will know I’m far from Ronaldo’s biggest fan, even I can see it’s absurd to call him greedy. When Cesc Fabregas leaves Arsenal for Barcelona it won’t be because of his greed but because of his lifelong desire to represent that mighty Spanish club. When Ronaldo pulls on Real Madrid’s jersey for the first time, his eyes won’t be lighting up with thought of money but with the fulfilment of a dream he’s held on to his whole life. If Ronaldo was greedy and desperate for a doubled salary, like the one he would have offered in Madrid, then last summer he would have stamped his feet and caused a fuss, like William Gallas did when he wanted to join Arsenal.
Step three: Deal with dangerous Rooney. Morgan reckons Song is up for this task. There is no need for me to comment further on this point to ridicule this idea. Song vs Rooney? Ha.
Step four: Deal with “lanky and gormless” Carrick. Morgan concedes that Michael got the better of Fabregas last week. Indeed.
Step five: Diaby and Nasri can’t lose their bottle again. Sorry, were either of them playing last week?
Step six: Obligatory Dimitar Berbatov “lazy” dig. Only those who don’t understand football can’t see what a top class player Berbatov is. You might be interested to know Berbatov has successfully tackled more players than Rio Ferdinand, Wayne Rooney, Jonny Evans, Carlos Tevez, and obviously, Cristiano Ronaldo, this season. In fact, the tireless Darren Fletcher has just four more successful tackles to his name, which suggests all this talk about Berbatov being lazy and not tracking back is a load of shite. It is also important to note that only Wayne Rooney has created more chances for United than Berbatov this season.
Step seven: Obligatory John O’Shea useless dig. He’s been our fourth choice right back behind Wes Brown, Gary Neville and Rafael who have missed most of the season due to injury. Arsenal’s fourth choice right back is still be in the womb.
Step eight: Adebayor is dumb. Fine.
Step nine: Watch out for Scholes and Giggs. Fine.
Step ten: United players surround the ref, so score early to make them moan more. Oh that old stereotype. Oh yes, United “oink” whilst Arsenal players behave like angels. My mistake.
So, what do we make of this red swine flu? More like ABU-pompous-empty-handed-longest-transitional-period-ever-pizza-chucking-dummy-throwing-United-obsessed-fourth-placed-mediocrity disease. Piers Morgan, you are a twat.
Made in Manchester is available for just £5. It includes 30 articles from the country's best football writers about graduates from the Manchester United academy. Everyone who buys a copy enters a competition to win the new home shirt. All profit goes to Trafford Macmillan so please support this fantastic cause.