It’s brilliant when you come face to face with the opposition. You can be sat near the away end, you can be in a pub where the other fans happen to be drinking, you can even be on football blogs like this. The verbal sparring can be brilliant at times, these ongoing duels, the one-upmanship of facts, insults and results, which usually end with one fan pissing himself laughing whilst the other goes off in a sulk.

A duel has been going on between Sir Alex Ferguson and Piers Morgan over the past few weeks, and I’ll give you one guess as to who has gone off in a sulk.

Sir Alex said: ‘A couple of weeks ago, Piers Morgan wrote that Arsene Wenger’s time was up as a manager at Arsenal.

Then, after the Gunners beat Chelsea, he said he was wrong, he was sorry. How can you change your opinion in a fortnight? The papers blow like the wind, hot and cold; they’ve no sense of balance and proportion.’

On the first point, he’s right. I did say it may be time for Arsene and Arsenal to part company. It was a mistaken overreaction made in the heat of a 3-0 drubbing at Manchester City. For which, after I’d calmed down, I made a public apology.

But then we can all make mistakes, can’t we, Sir Alex? Because you go on to say that I apologised AFTER the win against Chelsea, making me out to be an even bigger prawn-munching weasel.

And that’s not true. I apologised BEFORE that game, as Sir Alex well knows, because I’ve been told by mutual acquaintances that he reads this column avidly every week.

Firstly, it’s good to see that Morgan accepts that he is a prawn-munching weasel. Secondly, does it really matter when Morgan retracted his comments about wanting Arsene Wenger, Arsenal’s most successful and longest serving (in terms of matches) ever manager, out of the club? Yeh, it looks worse if it came after a victory over Chelsea, but had they been drubbed 3-0 by their London rivals, would Morgan retract his retraction? Probably, I’d say that is the behaviour of a self-proclaimed ‘prawn-munching weasel’.

As for his sneering about papers blowing hot and cold, with no sense of balance or proportion – that’s like being lectured on obesity by John Prescott. I don’t mind being taken to task by loyal Arsenal fans, or longstanding supporters of other clubs, for my silly ‘Wenger must go’ outburst.

But when the foul-mouthed Sir Alex Ferguson starts inaccurately hectoring me, then enough’s enough.

Arsene, nothing would give me greater pleasure than you proving me wrong, winning the Premier League and making that revolting old Glaswegian growler explode with puce-faced fury.

Oooh, temper temper, Piers. Foul-mouthed? Revolting? We’re back on the playground and all Morgan has got is name-calling.

And as for you, Sir Alex, unlike most of the people you successfully bully, I couldn’t give a monkey’s cuss what you say.

Course you couldn’t, you cockney twat, that’s why you’re dedicating a whole article to him. It all makes perfect sense. I, like SIR Alex Ferguson I imagine, eagerly await the article you write calling for Wenger’s head, again, at the end of the season, if not before.

Morgan’s Best Bits

6. Editing all the shit newspapers for illiterate chavs all over the country. Ever wondered why The Sun, The Mirror and The News of the World are like soooo totally wikid? Ask their former editor, Piers Morgan.

5. His children are called Spencer, Stanley and Bertie. Seriously.

4. At the start of the season he made a big song and dance about the fact he was a season ticket holder at the Emirates. He then went on to say “Arsenal have won precisely nothing since then [the title in 2004]. Not even a Carling bloody Cup.” Er, you won the FA Cup against us in 2005, you dopey twat. I was there, you clearly weren’t, superfan.

3. During a rather awkward Have I Got News For You, when confronted with his arch-enemy, Ian Hislop, Morgan said, “Don’t play the popularity line with me Hislop, does anybody here like him? Do you like him?” Audience responds yes as one. Nobody likes you though Piers.

2. Authorising the photographs and story which alleged Iraqi prisoners were being abused by British Army personnel. Turned out it was a massive hoax after the good name of the British Army had been dragged through the dirt thanks to Morgan’s desire for a sensational headline.

1. The Facebook Group “I fucking love Piers Morgan” has 269 members. The Facebook Group “I fucking hate Piers Morgan” has 958 members. Draw your own conclusions.

Now what did Piers say about Wenger to lead Ferguson to mention it?

Morgan is United obsessed. He begins the anti-Wenger article by naming his three worst moments as an Arsenal fan, two of which are United related. One is fairly obvious, with Ryan Giggs’ wonder goal in the FA semi-final obviously ranking highly on most Arsenal fans’ ‘never want to see that moment again as long as I live’ lists. The other is less obvious though. One of his worst three moments as an Arsenal fan was United winning the European Cup in 1999. Sad cunt.

Arsenal have won nothing for three years and, as I’ve repeatedly said since the season started, that situation is not going to be rectified with this bunch of indisputably talented but also arrogant and lazy nappywearers. We’d already lost to Hull and Fulham before the Spurs fiasco. Now we’ve been humiliated by Stoke, too. And the team are disintegrating into a miserable mire of stupid sendings-off and self-defeating dressing-room squabbles.

If Wenger still stubbornly resists [to dip in to the transfer market in January], insisting that his relentless youth-only policy will eventually work, then he should be equally firmly told that the Arsenal manager’s job is not for life, however great your track record.

They haven’t won anything for three years, you say? I’m sure Piers is Arsenal through and through, so doesn’t need reminding of his club’s history before Wenger… but I’ll do it anyway.

After winning the league in 1953, Arsenal went 18 years before winning something else to keep in their trophy cabinet, the FA Cup. After winning that it was another 9 years they went without a trophy, claiming the FA Cup again. Then another 9 years, when they won the League Cup. In the ten years between that League Cup win and Wenger’s first title, Arsenal won the league twice and the FA Cup once.

Arsenal go three years without a trophy and Arsenal fan Morgan, who apparently has supported them through thick and thin, wants rid of the manager who has brought them league titles, FA Cups and the first European Cup final in the club’s history.

Good on Sir Alex Ferguson for exposing Morgan for the ‘prawn-munching weasel’ he is!




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