This is the first of a monthly article I will be writing and, thankfully, Scott has given me a complete free reign to do what I want; which may or may not be a good thing for his website. I’ve decided to use this opportunity to highlight the things that have irritated me, riled me up, rubbed me up the wrong way, made me laugh, made me cry, made me rant, left me speechless and left me incredulous… amongst many other emotions. It gives me the chance to rant and rave, insult and belittle, as well as mock and ridicule the biggest c*nts of the previous month.
I guess I should keep it football related and, to keep things fair, I will always include a Manchester United c*nt of the month. January, however, has been a decent month for United. We’ve increased the lead at the top of the Premier League, players are coming back from injury and we’ve signed a promising youngster in Wilfried Zaha for a reported £12m. We’ve signed numerous commercial deals, the stadium has been filled out at every game and we became the first sports team to be valued at over $3bn so even the Glazers had a good month.
With all of that in mind it was difficult to choose the Man United C*nt of the Month but the inaugural award goes to Fred the Red. Simply because it’s a fucking GROWN MAN wearing a fucking COSTUME and he calls it a full time job. Why the fuck can’t the Glazers bring the one thing from American sports that everyone agrees is the only positive? The cheerleaders; Scantily clad, young, flexible women dancing provocatively at half time would be far better than a twat who dropped out of school and now makes a living waving his arse and hands about.
Disclaimer: If Fred the Red is, in fact, a rich volunteer doing this out of the generosity of his heart in order to bring joy to the children… then fair enough. Other wise he can fuck right off.
The main award for January was less difficult to hand out. I will, of course, try to steer clear of the usual wankers who would feature on this list for lifetime achievements. The likes of Stan Collymore, Rodney Marsh, Piers Morgan, The Mirror/The Sun newspaper, Niall Quinn and every Liverpool fan will always be fighting it out for this award. For that reason I will endeavour to exclude them unless a particularly c*ntish act has been performed; Such as Rodney Marsh being caught masturbating while watching Stan Collymore beat the shit out of a cheerleader who is wrapped in the Sun newspaper with Piers Morgan declaring his love/hate for Wenger with every punch all of which is made infinitely worse by Niall Quinn’s running commentary. I just wouldn’t be able to ignore something like that.
Saying that, the January award was a simple one to hand out. Peter Odemwingie, you are without doubt the person who made the biggest c*nt of themselves during the January transfer window. We all know the story by now: he drove all the way to QPR on transfer deadline day to seal a transfer that he thought was pretty much a done deal. He even gave an interview referring to QPR as ‘we’ before being told to fuck off back to West Brom. Embarrassing for the player and both clubs but fucking hilarious for the watching public.
This is made all the more hilarious by the fact that QPR have been left with Bobby Zamora and Jamie Mackie as their only senior strikers after loaning out Djibril Cisse and a serious injury to Loic Remy ruled him out for 6 weeks. Odemwingie will now be picking splinters out of his arse as he warms the bench for West Brom for the remainder of the season. In all seriousness, how do you even show your face at the West Brom training ground after a debacle like that?
I tried to contact Peter to get his reaction to winning the first ever RoM CoM Award but surprisingly he declined to take the opportunity to accept graciously. I believe “…unavailable for comment” was the phrase used.
Peter Odemwingie, you are the Republik of Mancunia’s C*nt of the Month for January.
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