Phone-hacking is wrong. Very wrong. Hopefully those who indulged in it will have plenty of time to think about it at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. However, phone-guessing is fine, especially when it’s guessing what may be on the answer machines of some of our favourite football characters. So, what news could people in football have been getting this week?

Carlos Tevez

“Carlos, it’s Kia. Was dropping off a package at your Buenos Aires home earlier and overheard your little girls calling the gardener daddy. I can get you a move if you hand in a transfer request. Milan is much closer; I’ll show you on Kia’s extraordinary map of the world.”

Andy Carroll

“Hi Andy. Just opened up. Not sure if you remember last night but we’ve found your wallet and keys at the end of the bar, wondered what we should do with them. Oh…………hang on……………..ignore this message, I’ve just noticed you’re asleep in the corner.”

John Terry

“Captain, it’s Villas-Boas, Andre Villas-Boas. Can you let me know what time you want to start training tomorrow so I can tell the other players. Thanks. Hope I didn’t disturb you. Sorry.”

Rhodri Giggs

“Hi, papers have quietened down a bit, I’m back off my hols. Was wondering what you were doing tomorrow night. Shit…meant to press ‘Rhodri’s Wife’. Stupid phone. Delete, how do I delete this? Shit. I’m joking, Rhodri, I’m joking. Silly big brother making jokes. Bye.”

Rio Ferdinand

“Rio, it’s Alice from your office, got a problem sweetie. Just checked your fixture list and there’s a few clashes with your other commercial arrangements. Really inconvenient to be honest as we need to have your maximum exposure to launch your new clothes, perfume and of course media ranges. Let me know what you can do. Mwah.

Gareth Bale

“Gareth, Welsh FA here. Just wanted to remind you that you’re Welsh. WELSH. As Welsh as they come. You’re not British, you’re Welsh. Those Olympics are for people who run fast around a circle and swim and throw things, not for Welsh footballers. You wouldn’t want to let the Welsh FA down, being a Welsh lad from Wales. A big Welsh goodbye to our favourite Welsh footballer from Wales.”

Mark Hughes

“You have no new messages.”

Kenny Dalglish

“Alex here from Aston Villa. Just wanted to say I’m not happy about your new offer for Downing. You originally offered £15m and we rejected it, now your offer £20m plus Joe Cole. What’s all that about? The first offer was better. £18m with no Joe Cole and you’ve got yourself a deal.”

Alex McLeish

“Hello Mark it’s Randy! Damn, wrong name, we ruled him out. Hi Rafael, no sorry, he said no didn’t he! Hola Roberto, damn that was another one. Actually can you send me a text when you get this to remind me who you are again, just got it marked under Villa Manager on phone. Thanks.”

Shaun Wright-Phillips

“Hi Shaun, it’s your boot sponsor. We were just checking you still exist, please respond.”

Cesc Fabregas

“Hi my boy, the footballer I see as a second son. Sandro Rosell here, but you can call me Uncle Sandro. Just wanted to make sure you’d put those drops in Arsene’s tea again. It just makes him more agreeable – they’ll be no long term damage, to be honest we didn’t think he’d go as far as selling the left back and maybe that Samir lad but it’s all for the greater good. Miss you. We all miss you. Weather’s nice. Come home.”

————
For more telepathy and general musings on football you can follow Annie on Twitter @AnnieEaves