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Hahahahahahahaha
That is not even funny. Scouse/Manc/Brummie jokes are created by lamebrains for lamebrains. You have a soft head if you find that amusing.
This joke is so old I think Noah told it to his wife to while away the hours on his ark!
Marc get off your high horse and start scouse bashing!
Definition of confusion? Fathers day in Liverpool!
Scouser walks into the D.S.S. and says :-
“I’ve just been offered a Blow Job, If I take it will it affect my benefit claim?”
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=qamVB4ixxGs&NR=1
3 Scousers we all love!
EY EY! CALM DOWN CALM DOWN!
Marc the funny thing about these scouse jokes is there not actually jokes there facts.
YSB
Fuck me la….. Stevie as the accused…hahahahahahah what a cunt !!
And all the scouse jokes are funny as fuck….!!!
the joke is that old its was around last time the dippers won the league
the neck scar proves he lost his head,tevez,tevez. you’ll never shag a sexy bird,tevez,tevez. your an ugly twat an ugly cunt they’ve sewn your head on back to front, carlos tevez ‘herman munsters son.
Q. What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A: A dope carrier.
Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.
What does a scouser do after winning the league?
Turns off the Playstation!
them last four were pish as fuck.
What dya call a scouser with a job? – A fuckin liar.
What dya call a scouser in a semi detached house? – A Burglar
What dya call a scouser in a white shell suit? – The Bride
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, the Archangel Gabriel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?” God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Gabriel, look what I’ve made.” Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.” “Balance?” inquired Gabriel, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.,” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.” The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a small populated area in the land of Great Britain and said “What’s that?” “Ah,” said God. “That’s Manchester, the most glorious place on Earth. There’s a beautiful city centre, glorious parks, and buildings, great music and a world dominating football team. The people from Manchester are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world as expatriats. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.” Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there will be balance!” God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the lazy, arrogant, dipper bastards I’m putting next to them in Liverpool.”
2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells
them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he’s late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
“R hey lad” they say “gissa lift”. The trucker once again explains that he
has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to
the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and
he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he
is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater
Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the
driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman
obviously doesn’t believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back
door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible.
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
“I’ve got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it – 2 have already hatched and
the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already”.
A scouser goes into to see his doctor with a large pus filled boil on his face. The doctor says “What’s that horrible growth you’ve got there?” The Scouser replies “Its a dirty great boil aint it!” To which the doctor retorts “Shut up – I was talking to the boil!”
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside. Liverpool Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.
The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues. The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.
Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog’s collar and twists it, breaking the dog’s neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes,”Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack.” The boy interrupts again: “I’m not a United fan.” The reporter asks: “Who do you support, then?” “Liverpool,” replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: “Scouse scally bastard kills family pet”
Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool? – Because if it walked it would be mugged.
If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bike
One day a scouser dies so before he goes to heaven he arrives at the gates of St Peters.
“Age?” Peter asks.
“24″ the little scouser replied.
“Where did you live?”
“Well, um, Liverpool”
“Were you blue or were you red” asked St. Peter.
“Red till I died” replied the scouser.
“Sorry no scousers allowed into heaven they are all robbing little bastards!”
“But but I have done good things.”
“Like what?”
“Well, last week I gave a tenner to the homeless the week before that I gave a tenner to oxfam and the day I died I
gave a tenner to the heart foundation!”
“Well I will see what I can do I will go and explain the situation to God.”
After half an hour out comes St. Peter followed by god.
“Right I heard what you have done with all the good causes what with giving away thirty quid to charity and I have
come up with a solution” God said.
“What is it?” asked the scouser.
“Well, here is your thirty quid now fuck off!!!!!”
what do you call a non united fans on these boards?
A fucking failure with no life
What do you say to a scouser with a job? – “Big mac and fries, please”
A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: “Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?”
“Because I’m not a Liverpool fan,” she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asks: “Well, if you’re not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?”
“I’m a Manchester United fan, and proud of it,” Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. “Mary, why are you a United fan?”
“Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a United fan and my dad is a United fan, so I’m a United fan too!”
“Well,” said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, “that’s no reason for you to be a United fan. You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time.
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?”
“Then,” Mary smiled, “I’d be a Liverpool fan.”
What do you say to a liverpool supporter with a good looking bird on his arm? – Nice tattoo.
What is the difference between a hedgehog and a busload of liverpool fans? – On a hedgehog all the pricks are on the outside !!
Failsworth Devil – you have outdone yourself
lol scouse eggs.. brilliant
Why do dipperl supporters have Moustaches? – So they can look like their Mothers.
What do you call a dipper with no arms and legs? – Trustworthy.
Scouser walks into the D.S.S. and says :-
“I’ve just been offered a Blow Job, If I take it will it affect my benefit claim?”
What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Dipper?
A: Nothing. The monkeys are far too clever to shag a dipper.
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke – 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He’s having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: “Do you want a blow job?” he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. “I’ve never seen you react like that” he says. “Just what did he say to you?”
“I’m not sure” the big scouser replies. “Something about a job.”
(Sung in the “You are my Solksjaer tune”
You are a scouser,
An ugly scouser,
You’re only happy,
on giro day,
your mum’s out thieving,
your dad’s drug-dealing,
so please dont take,
my wheeltrims,
away.
It was Friday evening in Liverpool, and having just received their Dole cheque, Gaz and Baz were trying to decide where to go that night.
“I know,” said Baz, “There’s a great club in town we ought to try.”
“What’s it like?” asks Gaz.
“Well, you go into the club up to the bar where they give you a free drink. Then you go upstairs for a shag. Then you go back to the bar and have another free drink. After twenty minutes you go upstairs for another shag. After this, you go to the bar again and have another free drink and then go upstairs again and have another shag! After this you go downstairs, have a final drink and leave. On the way out they give you a hundred quid and you go home.”
“Wow!” said Gaz, “That sounds great. Have you been before?”
“No,” said Baz, “but my sister has.”
What do you call a Scouse woman who has had 6 abortions ? – Crime Prevention officer
^^^Lol along with mo’s joke that was the best.
funny as fuck Failsworth, especially Scouse Eggs one.
Q. two scousers jump off a cliff. WHo wins??
A. SOCIETY.
Q. What does a scouser girl use for protection during sex?
A. bus shelter
Q. What do you call a 30 year old scouse girl?
A. Granny.
Q. Why did the Scouse girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
Q. Two Scouser kids in a car without any music – who is driving?
A. The policeman.
Q. What’s the difference between a scouse boy and an scouse girl?
A. A scouser girl has a higher sperm count.
Q. Three scouser youths drive over a cliff in a Ford. What is wrong?
A. The car seats four.
Q. What’s the most confusing day in liverpool?
A. Fathers day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn’t born in Liverpool?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
I dont like dippers
LOL, Failsworth Devil- good jokes. I liked the Playstation one xD lmao
Failsworth Devil – legend for the sheer effort!
On a more serious note I have heard some disturbing news, I wonder if someone can shed some light on them.
1. Is it true that there has been a huge film project announced to be filmed in loserpool – the remake of the Mean Machine? Star already decided on Steve Mes big break
2. That Loserpool council have agreed planning permission and contracts have been signed to build Scumpool new 75,000 stadium? Apparently the site is HMP WALTON!
faceworth devil just made my day! absolutely brilliant! playstation joke ftw
A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man Utd fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:” Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt” But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!” “Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness”, The manc replies. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”
“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?” the Sheikh asks.
“Please tie the Scouser to my back.”
Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they’re all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they’ve run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, “excuse me”, he said, “but don’t you think he’s likely to be mine ?” “Probably”, said the Manc, “but one of them in there’s a scouser, and I’m takin’ no chances !!!!!”
There is a massive tailback on the M6 and a lorry driver caught up in it asks a man, who happens to be walking along the line of traffic, “what the hell is going on?”
The man replies, “haven’t you heard? Terrorists have captured the bus carrying the liverpool team and are threatening to torch the bus if their demands aren’t met. So I’ve organized a whip-round.”
“How much is everyone giving?” askes the lorry driver.
“About a gallon each,” replies the man.
In a recent survey, people from liverpool have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm ‘Brut’, a whopping 86% of Liverpudlians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison [Yet].
A young Liverpool fan is walking his mangy, rabid, one-eared, three-legged dog near Anfield when he finds a lamp and rubs it.
Out pops a genie, who says: “You have released me from a thousand years solitude, and for that I shall grant you one wish.”
The Scouser strokes his chin for a minute and replies: “I love my dog so much that I’d like you to restore him to full health and give him back his missing ears and legs.”
“Blimey,” says the genie, “I’m not a bloody miracle worker! Give me a new wish.”
“Oh, all right then – I’d like Liverpool to win the Premiership in my lifetime.”
The genie pauses before replying: “Give us a look at that dog.”
Rafa Benitez has this morning explained why he continues to play the rotation system. He says it’s the keep the burglars guessing, who’s at home or who’s in the team
There was a group of people on a tour bus.
The guide on the bus asked if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, whereupon a man got up and said that he could tell a joke about Liverpool fans.
Suddenly a man in the rear of the bus said: “No, don’t do that. I’m a Liverpool fan!”
The guide looked at him and said: “That’s okay. We’ll explain it to you afterwards, mate.”
A woman goes to the Doctor desperately begging for help. She tells the doctor my fanny talks. She pulls down her knickers and her fanny says `Liverpool are going to win the premiership`
The Doctor sits back and replies `Im afraid we are in the middle of an epidemic. Lots of cunts have started talking like this`
“what do you call a manc in a suit?” a spotty, pasty faced, drug abusing, soap dodging,benefit stealing,smelly,scruffy,ginger haired,inbred,ugly,handbag stealing,greasy,thick as pig shit,CUNT!…………..dont let the suit fool you!.
what a load of fuckin muppets you manc twats are! same old jokes weve heard a thousand times before,of course you just delete liverpool for manchseter were appropriate, here is a good one…………LIVERPOOL……..18 LEAGUE TITLES………….5 CHAMPIONS LEAGUES……..THE MOST SUCCESSFUL FOOTBALL TEAM IN ENGLAND!……..HE HE!
The King… are you in your local employment office typing your messages… as i didnt know that Broadband was readily available in dipperland…
5 European titles… 3 have been won on penalties…
We would have won more European titles by now if it wasnt for your scally dipper scruffy doley smelly fans getting us all banned from Europe for years on end…
Steve G get the full support of your club… yet he has been charged with ABH and affray….
Typical of the scousers that…. “What he has done for the club over the last 10 years… we give him our full support”…
At least in Manchester our club has morales… we banned Eric on our own accord.. before the FA banned him…
Shame your shite smelly club doesnt have the same morales… but you cant can ya… coz you are too scared that you wont win the league (u wont anyway)… coz its our trophy… all the trophies are ours…
Now fuck off you smelly dipper… now be a good boy… and find a job worthy of your miniscule kranium… as i have heard that NCP want some car park attendants…
SCOUSE TWAT.
Just one more little thing for your king…
“CHAMPIONS OF ENGLAND”
“CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE”
“CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD”…
Now stick that in your mams crack pipe and smoke it.
SCOUSE TWAT
Oh yeh… another thing… u must have been unemployed a long long time… if you have had the time to read them jokes above 1000′s of times…
Never mind lad… when you go on your 2 week holiday to Southport or Morecombe next summer… i believe you can get paid cash in hand for cockle picking… so there is another trade you can go into…
SCOUSE TWAT
I really dont like dippers.
Failsworth Devil – You are a complete clown who hasn’t got a clue. Yes we have 5 European cups (many more european titles), what does it matter if they are won on penalties ? Are you saying the one you won verse Chelsea doesnt matter as you won on pens? No i didnt think so.
Why shouldn’t stevie get the full support of the club, he has been with us for over 10 years and has given his all for the club and up until now has been a model professional and does a vast amount of work for charitys. Do you think this is a player we shouldn’t stand by. The Eric incident was at a football ground and was during a game, and he fly kicked one of the crowd, completly different situation.
As for all the Throphys are yours, if you fancy seeing the european cup you won in 99 its sitting in the anfield throphy cabient as we have the REAL one to keep not just replicas.
I bid you good day you moron.
I have had the misfortune of being born in dipperland, but have supported United all my life (nearly sixty years).
All you scouse twats, stick to your UEFA Cups and League Cups (or whatever they call it these days) Keep convincing your self how great Robbie Keane is, AKA Prince Harry ( Both spent three months on the front line, and no fucker noticed).
Read what is says on the tin!
Champions Of England
Champions Of Europe
Club World Champions
You will probably say the the “Club World championship” is a “Mickey Mouse cup” just because you haven’t won it; a bit like the Premiership really!
Liverpool “City of Culture” oh my aching sides!
I’m glad i left the shithole when I was two weeks old
Knightsmith….”Born a scouse, but always a Manc”… good man … … we cant call you scouse mate just coz you was unfortunate to have been born in dipperland…
Keep up the good comments mate
I happen to live next door to ‘Knightsmith’ – I can confirm that he is a Manchester United fan. He didn’t tell me this personally. I managed to guess this from his ginger hair, his 4 inch fringe, his one earring and his mirrored shades.
Oh forgot to mention – he’s asian too.
The difference between our success and the spotty gingers success is that when we won everything in sight, we merely received a pat on the back. But when Manure won their trophies, they received cheques for £30 million ensuring that success would remain.
We won everything in the football era
You lot won stuff in the franchise era.
50 million alone from selling Beckham shirts – staggering. Man Utd the harlem globetrotters of football and the rest of Europe know this. A club which is run on PR and merchandise. George Best and David Beckham are perfect examples of how your ‘great’ players are merely men of the media.
The best part is – For all the money, for all the gloating, for all the success – you are still behind Liverpool FC – The ‘F’ of which stands for football – not franchise haha.
liverpool fans = bin dipping self pity inbred murdering shell suit wearing jobless twats.
if your a liverpool fan reading this i genuinely hope you rot in hell.
In my job (Dipper’s won’t understand that phrase) I work as a music rerearcher for the Performing Rights Society.
In the summer I was sent to Butlins in Minehead to do a job.
Unfortunately I was sent their four hours too early.
To waste some time I decided to go into Minehead town centre in search of a beer that wasn’t Butlin’s price.
On my way there I passed Blockbusters, and decided to pop in to waste some more time.
Whilst browsing the shelves I came across a video called “Liverpool, the glory Years”.
A good friend of mine has the misfortune of supporting the dippers, so feeling sorry for him, I decided to purchase the video as a present.
I approached the spotty youth behind the counter and said, “how much is the video mate?”
” £115″ he replied.
“Fuck me!” I said,” that’s a bit steep isn’t it?”
The spotty youth replied “It’s £15 for the video, and £100 for the Betamax player!”
Young United fan in Dipperland…
While in JJB Sports in Liverpool, the son picks up a Man Utd football shirt and says to his sister,”I’ve decided I’m going to be a Utd supporter and I want this strip for my Christmas present!”
The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, “Go talk to yer Ma.”
Off goes the unusually intelligent little lad, with Man Utd shirt in hand and finds his mother. “Mum.”
“Yes, son?”
“I’ve decided I’m going to be a Utd supporter and I want this strip for Christmas.”
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, “Go talk to yer Da.”
Off goes this little inbred, with Utd shirt in hand and finds his father.
“Dad.”
“Yes, son?”
“I’ve decided I’m going to be a Utd supporter and I want this strip for my Christmas present”.
The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!”
About half an hour later, they are all back in the stolen car heading home.
The father turns to the son and says, “Son, I hope you have learned something today?”
The son turns to his father says, “Yes, Father, I have’.
Father says, “Good son, what is it?”
The son replies, “I’ve only been a Utd supporter for an hour and I already hate you scouse bastards.”
Quality Knightsmith mate… lol… im pissin myself here…
Re:Jobo
I do like your usename, perhaps it is true what they say about you dipper twats having a sense of humour!
You probably do live next door to me in Ilfracombe, unfortunately the town is overflowing with scouse twats who’d rather be on the dole by the sea side, rather than in Dipperland, which is amusingly called the “City of Culture”.
This translated means, when you thieving scousers nick people’s wheels, you now jack the motor up on books; instead of bricks.
And also, you, or anybody else, has never had a player who could hold a candle to George Best!
Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth.
The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they’re all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they’ve run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc.
The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby.
The Rasta looks a bit confused, “excuse me”, he said, “but don’t you think he’s likely to be mine ?”
“Probably”, said the Manc, “but one of them in there’s a scouser, and I’m takin’ no chances !!!!!
How to you know when a scouser has robbed your house?
The bins are empty and the cats pregnant.
Breaking News!
The dippers have just signed a new centre forward from Italy.
ROBATELLI!
What do Liverpool fans and mushrooms have in common?
They both have big heads and live in shit
What’s the difference between a Scouser and a broken clock?
Even a clock is right twice a day!
What should you do if you see a scouse jogging?
Trip him up and give the lady’s purse back to her.
How do you make a scouser run faster?
stick a video player under his arm
Q.What’s the difference between Batman and a Scouser?
A.Batman can go anywhere without Robin.
Quality
Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty scousers showed up.
Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven’s door, Saint Peter said
he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said,
“They’re gone.”
“What? All of the Scousers are gone?” asked God.
“No” replied Saint Peter “The Pearly Gates!”
A bartender was washing the glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman then looked towards the end of the bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?”
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if it was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, “Barkeep’, gis us a lager dere la! Hey, is dat dat God’s Boy down dere?” The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!”
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out of the door. Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!”
The Italian then felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out of the door. Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but
the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t you fuckin’ touch me! I’m on Disability!”
SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN IN LIVERPOOL TOO LONG
1. You have an urge to steal
2. You think Brookside is a ‘glamorous’ soap
3. You think Hollyoaks is ‘posh’
4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are
5. You often wonder why so many Scousers leave Liverpool and never come back.
6. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.
7. You start to cry when you hear ‘Ferry cross the Mersey’
8. You think that Albert Dock is ‘for the tourists’. What tourists?
9. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.
10. You often wonder why you don’t hear of many Scouse comedians any more
NEWS FLASH!
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Merseyside, Liverpool.
Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.
The Merseyside Regional Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Thievin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Fightin have been arrested on immigration issues.
The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the area.
Police are confident that anyone who looks like Workin will be very easy to spot in the community.
Liverpools newest big-name signing, a Bosnian international, has just scored on his debut for the club and immediately after the match phones his Mum:
Bosnian-Scouser: Hello Mum.
Mum: Hello son, how was your debut?
B-S: Well it went brilliantly. I scored in front of the Kop and we only lost 3-1.
Mum: That’s wonderful. But I’m afraid that things here at home aren’t so good.
B-S: Why, what’s happened?
Mum: Well, this morning our car was set ablaze by a masked mob. They then broke into our house with baseball bats and battered your brother. They shot your father in the kneecaps, so he can’t walk anymore, and then raped your sister before moving on to the dog.
B-S: That’s terrible….
Mum: I know. Why couldn’t you have left us in Bosnia instead of bringing us to Liverpool with you?
Deltron 3000, haha! made me laugh that one
Q: What’s the difference between a manchester united fan and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead manchester united fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.
Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams.
The first one asks, “Oh Lord, when will England next win the World Cup?”. God Replies, “In the next eight years” “But I’ll be dead by then”, says the man.
The second one asks, “Oh Lord, when will Chelsea win the Premier League?”. The Good Lord answers, “In the next ten years”. “But I’ll be dead by then”, says the man.
The third one asks, “Oh Lord, when will Manchester United overtake Liverpool’s trophy haul?”. God answers “Bloody Hell – I’ll be dead by then!”
Q: What’s the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A: A Man U fan is a real dick
Hey Jobo
Who’s champions of England?
Who’s champions of Europe?
Who’s Club World Champions?
Who hasn’t won the league since Maggie Thatcher was a boy?
Why did I have to be born in the biggest shithole in the UK?
Why aren’t you at work (Silly question if you’re a proper scouser)
And going back to your earler post where you mentioned gingers.
Who’s the Ginger twat who scored the own goal in your semi final of the Champions League against the chavs.
Oh how we laughed!.
You dippers are like your football team; one big joke! No wonder the whole country despises you!
The last time the dippers won the league… Elton John, George Michael and Michael Barrymore were straight lol…
Steeee Gerrard Gerrard, went to Southport n he got barred, he will send Benitez a visitors card, Steee Gerrard Gerrard.
Steeee Gerrard Gerrard, will be pacing the prison yard, he’s nowt but a fuckin mard Ste Gerrard Gerrard.
Steee Gerrard Gerrard is gonna get ripped by the prison guard, and bummed off some noncy retard, Steeee Gerrard Gerrard.
Jobo………. sounds like you have had plenty of experiance of Vibrators and Dicks sweetheart lol……. or is it just stories what ya mum has been tellin ya…
Jobo… it wasnt your granny that our very own Wayne Rooney got to dip his wick into was it lol??
Wazza was just doin his bit for charity … “Help The Aged” lol…
Being a Scouser is nothing to joke about, it’s a serious disease.
Big words Knightsmith – but be careful, you might fall over your fringe.
Man United are the club that the country despises – afterall, they are the only club who seem to think football began when the Premier League started – pretty embarrassing really.
This is apparently our barren spell – yet we have still picked up 12 Major trophies since 1992 – not bad.
How many did United collect in their barren run of 26 years?
Oh and to Knightsmith…
Who are the UNDISPUTED champions of England – Liverpool
Who are the UNDISPUTED champions of Europe (Real, followed by AC and LFC) – Hell, even B. Munich and Ajax are still ahead of you.
Who are the UNDISPUTED Champions of the world – according to an independent study from FIFA/UEFA – Its actually Liverpool FC – yes, a club that had nothing and went on to conquer football as we know it – this was without the financial power that graced Real and AC – who finished 2nd and 3rd respectively.
It feels great to know that Liverpool Football Club are the worlds greatest club. We have the worlds greatest football terrace. Our club website has more visitors than any other club in the world. Our fans sing – yours don’t (well, there is the odd occasion you steal our songs) – That is quite low and pretty pathetic. As Roy Keane said – your just a bunch of day trippers. Now hurry, half price earrings in the January sales.
Why is it that all our jokes towards the scousers are so appropriate, so true, so apt, so spot on in terms of there look, lifestyle, their culture, their habits, their vermin lives, thier despicable habits, places they live and things they do etc etc etc etc. And all have factual basis and grounding and are piss funny. Yet when these dips reply….they use outdated old generalised jokes and put the word manc into it..to make a dig at as. However the joke has no basis, does not fit and clearly isnt even in the same context or applicable to mancs and manchester utd. Just genearal jokes in which you could put any club, any creed, any race, any people.
What i trying to say is…THERE MUST BE A FUCKIN REASON WHY THERE ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY APPROPRAITE APPLICABLE SCOUSE JOKES. Do u get the picture dippers.
Truth hurts i know….shame, now fuck you fuckin dippers
Why has jobo….got the word job in his name?????????????????????????
Shit he fuckin stole that too…….even the world wide web isnt safe…wheres my fuckin mcafee anti virus….better secure my computer..
scouse alert…scan for viruses and diseases and scouse thieves…
Jobo
What are these 12 major trophies ypuve picked up since 1992? Go on amaze us.
You say
“Who are the UNDISPUTED Champions of the world – according to an independent study from FIFA/UEFA – Its actually Liverpool FC ”
What bollocks! Is this the same FIFA/UEFA that said The Dippers were the worst supporters in Europe.
As for your wonderfull fans, who got English clubs banned from Europe for years?
But of course this wasn’t your fault was it, never is.
Even people who don’t follow football hate you scousers with a venom!
Scousers murdered 39 juve fans…..yet never apologised and wre never brought to book….yet tried to produce a lame apology 20+ years later…to which the bianconeri turned their backs. MURDERING BASTARDS HEYSEL
SAME SCOUSE BASTARDS…that killed their own fans Hillsborough
SAME SCOUSE BASTARDS THAT were officially recognised as the worst fans 04 and 05 and 06 WHY????? crowd trouble in istanbul, athens…thousands of scouse twats trying to get in without tickets…stealing tickets from kids. Despicable vermin.
SAME SCOUSE BASTARDS THAT INJURED AND MAMED POICE AND BLUGARIAN FANS……MICHAEL SHIELDS…
SCOUSE BASTARDS ALL THE SAME….MURDERING SCUM
Tom & Suhayl…. where have you been?? This has been a massacre of the dippers… its great lol…
My finale to piss these dippers off is this one…
The first time “You will never walk alone” was song live at a football ground by Gerry & The Pacemakers… was in fact Old Trafford…
So in fact the dippers each time they sing this song are actually celebrating a song that was Christened at the Theatre of Dreams lol…
All these years they never knew that link and they sign it as though they own the song hahahhahaha… “If you dont believe me dippers… ask Gerald yourself”… it is very very true…
Ps… Jobo… our place in history was cemented a long long time prior to the dippers…
If you recall we were the 1st British Team to play in Europe due to the vision of Sir Matt…
We were the first English Team to win the European Cup.. 1958…. (when was it when you won your first)??
You had a good 16 years in total… thats it from over 100 years…
We have had a good 55 years out of 109 years… so go fuck yaself … scally dole dippers…
CHAMPIONS OF ENGLAND
CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE
CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD
YOU SCOUSE TWATS.
SUHAYL… could not have put a single word better myself mate..
DIRTY, HORRIBLE, SCRUFFY, SCANKY, DISGUSTING, VILE, PUTRID, VERMIN, MURDERING, SNIDEY, NASTY, THIEVING, CONNING, SCOUSE BASTARDS.
if only we could cut Merseyside out of the english map and stick it in the middle of the Gaza Strip… with a bit of luck it would be gone in a matter of days..
I wonder if JOBO has got his very special Shell Suit out for tonight.. as it is New Years Eve….
You know which shell suit i am on about… the one with the illuminous yellow jacket and on the back it says “Community Service”…
My mother also had the misfortune to be born a dipper, but at leat she had the intelligence to support “the peoples club” in Liverpool.
In 1934 the Mersey tunnel was opened in Liverpool.
To celebrate this; all the schoolchildren got to walk through it.
Of these my mother was one.
Each child was given a “Mersey Tunnel medal” on completion.
Earlier this year, my mother died of cancer, and passed this medal on to me.
What point am I trying to make you might ask?
The point i’m making is, At least I have a medal, which is more than any scouse player will get this season!
Jobo *smirk* – funny that you’s should cuss us for being a ‘franchise’ club, firstly after your owner said you were just a cash cow for his hockey team and secondly when you then go on to mention your official club website being the most visited in the world. Global merchandising FTW? But hey, no, it’s only United who have the Singaporean/Thai/Jap*insert Asian demonym here* fanbase, isn’t it?
Funny as well that you should mention having had ‘nothing’ in your heyday. Was it ‘nothing’ that brought in the likes of Dalglish, Keegan, Souness etc.? Didn’t think so.
It’s a shame the media back then wasn’t as fucking bitter and nitpicky as they are now, isn’t it? Otherwise your European wins would’ve been ‘hollow’/'too easy’/'a waste of time’/'pointless’ etc., just because the format of the competiton wasn’t right.
You talk about FIFA conducted surveys? This the same FIFA that talks about footballers as modern day slaves? Thought so. They can keep their opinions to themselves.
Hold on to them records for all the good it’ll do you, we’re coming to get them anyway. 17/3, w/o killing anyone.
just a quick question:
Who’s fastest, Robbie keane or Dot Cotton?
great stuff knightsmith, bangladeshi red and ofcourse me auld auld mucker failsworth…hope you’re well mate.
Nowt better than bashing a dipper..
Whats your plans for tonight mate….wana go torch scouseland…and have the biggest best bonfire in the world???
knightsmith…dot by a mile mate and thats with all her laundry from the launderette..her big mac coat, her budgie and nick cotton on her back.
suhayl;
Got to go to that there London village for my daughters wedding on Saturday, and have to save my pennies, so unfortunately I have to stop in.
I would have loved to gone out in Ilfracombe mickey baiting, but it can’t be done this year.
Also you can never get a taxi home on new years eve, as the scouse scum have pre booked them all to take them home to their council caves, i think there must be a special allowance they get off the social.
Anyhow, fuck the lot of them, they won’t be so cocky when were champions again.
Happy new year!
suhayl:
Feel free to go and torch dipperland, haven’t got any relatives left there now (they’ed rather be dead than scouse).
Only problem is; does shit burn?
lol..lol..same to you mate
we’ll make it burn mate……then again would the scousers dare nick fire?????
scary thought that…happy new year mate
apparently Michael shields has been seen wearing a free steven gerrard t shirt.
Suhayl mate… i would love nothing more than to torch scouseland..and with regards to does shit burn… well… i would imagine, with a tanker full of petrol, B&Q’s full supply of parafin, and what BBQ firestarters ive got in the shed we would surely be able to get the shit burning..
Only problem i have with tonight mate, is that i have plans, as im in the middle of getting dressed up as a smurf..
This is the only time in my life i would wear blue by the way lol…
I can just imagine it now on BBC News “Smurf goes on arson rampage in dipperland”… lol… sounds good actually..
If i dont get on again then all the best lads… have a top night and lets have as many trophies in 2009 as we got in 2008.
CHAMPIONS OF ENGLAND>
CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE>
CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD>
Knightsmith… you have been on top form tonight mate
Steeee Gerrard Gerrard, went to Southport n he got barred, he will send Benitez a visitors card, Steee Gerrard Gerrard.
Steeee Gerrard Gerrard, will be pacing the prison yard, he’s nowt but a fuckin mard Ste Gerrard Gerrard.
Steee Gerrard Gerrard is gonna get ripped by the prison guard, and bummed off some noncy retard, Steeee Gerrard Gerrard.
lol..lol..lol..lol….go for it failsworth mate….
Same to you…happy new year…hope 2009 is as great as 2008.
Take care mate
Michael Shields are you listening
You better keep your arsehole glistening
Locked up in jail with no chance of bail
Walking with a penis up your arse
Christ you are very worried by us lads, to spend ALL day writing ‘jokes’ about us. The major problem with freedom of speech in the Internet era is the fact that to be published in a world wide context would be extremely difficult in the past; you would need at least a modicum of intelligence or wit not the ability to merely google your material. The bile and bitterness is understandable (and I mean this sincerely)- two major cities side by side, one with a very mixed history but which retains a strong sense of itself, the other a genuinely thriving metropolis which has lost a little of what made it so great- an apt parallel for the football teams I suppose. No one comes from a shangri la (I’ve been to moss side!) equally I’ve been to calderstones and formby. The team you support covered up a rape allegation against a certain Portugese winger. Don’t judge too harshly lest you be judged yourselves. A spellchecker is so easy a gadget to invest in!
Take it its not the season of good will as far as Scousers are concerned . Lol.
Knightsmith asked me to list the 12 majors since 1992 – so for informatons sake:
-FA Cup 1992, 2001, 2006
-League Cup 1995, 2001, 2003
-UEFA Cup 2001
-UEFA Super Cup 2001, 2005
-European Cup 2005
+ 2 charity shields (which I’ve only added because they are proudly presented as part of ‘Sir Alex’s’ trophy haul.
Not bad for a team suffering a drought.
Re. Failsworth Devil – I’m awarding you the most embarrassing poster on here – you claim we had 16 years of success – compared to your 55 – lol – I guess your 26 year exile wasn’t included.
What you forget is that from 1960 onwards..Liverpool always challenged for honours – I think 1995-2001 (6 solitary years out of 50) was our longest stint without a trophy – tut tut tut – thus, your either a woman or a clueless idiot – probably both – so get back in the kitchen.
Knightsmith, Failsworth and Suhayl thanks for amusing me today!! Funny as fuck! Ha Ha Ha Ha !!!!!
Happy New Year all !!
Jobo
I said list major trophies; so what’s this heap of shite?
League Cup 1995, 2001, 2003
UEFA Cup 2001
UEFA Super Cup 2001, 2005
2 charity shields
Your two recent FA Youth Cup wins (in successive years) hold more credence than that.
Major trophies are;
League
Champion League/European Cup
FA Cup
Also, when’s the last time you actually won anything that wasn’t by penalties?
So fuck off back to your council cave you scouse twat!
It just said on the news that today has been the coldest day in Liverpool since records began.
They reckon it’s been so cold, even the scousers have kept their hands in their own pockets!
Breaking Transfer News:
It was reported earlier this morning the Steven Gerrard had signed for Blackpool.
Evidently he was bought to replace the Big Dipper at the Pleasure Beach!
Did you hear that they were going to hold The Apprentice in Liverpool until they realised that they wouldn’t be able to find 12 people who wanted a job!
Do you know when Liverpool will become EPL champions?
On February 30.
Why can’t scousers make pancakes? Because they’re all useless tossers
Q: What’s is the differance between Pamela Anderson and the Liverpool goal?
A: Pam’s only got two tits in front of her.
Q. What do Liverpool FC & Olivia Newton John have in common?
A. They both got fucked in Grease
manchester…….. the ARSEHOLE of the universe!
Failsworth Devil, knightsmith and suhayl – thanks a lot mates! please keep writing!
jobo – “MAJOR trophies”, u clown!
Major trophies lol – everytime you see Fergie’s trophy Haul it includes Charity Shields, league cups – hell, even the cup winners cup (that bloody thing was banished because it was so shit – nevermind eh. All that money and your still behind LFC.
We’re still waiting over 20 years later to be knocked off our f*****g perch.
I’d knock you right off your perch, you scally dipper twat
Hostility over the internet – your a real tough guy – If we’re going to fight, the least you could do is remove your earring !
The fact that you’re getting hostile proves to me that you are hurting from still being behind Liverpool FC both presently and historically – get in there !
Yeh, im in agony with jealousy of the dippers… lol… you dipper muppet…
We have always been the biggest club in the world and always will be…
AC, REAL, BARCA, BAYERN, are bigger than the dippers..
I HATE THE DIPPERS..
ps… if you could see me, i really could and would knock you off your perch ya lob on… you really aint got a clue lol.. but you are right, i could be anybody just typing on here couldnt i ? i could be a 3 stone wet through wimp couldnt i ?? … i could be a 47 yr old mother of 12 (but that only happens in dipperland)… …. but the simple fact is… you will never know, unless you fancy visiting a real place … Manchester… if you want to then i will happily meet ya… then knock ya off your perch… u jizzcake.
Let me rephrase something for your own benefit – you are not the biggest club in the world – you are the biggest franchise.
Answer this… What makes a club great? Not big…but great – think hard about this because it may come back and HAUNT you.
You know the answer begins with a ‘T’ – I await your response – although i’m expecting you to come back with garbage like attendance ha.
Its fact that Liverpool are the most watched club worldwide – our website has more visitors etc. Our games get more viewings – nationally and internationally – ask Sky – we’re #1 – and that must fuckin kill you.
So i’m genuinely looking forward to yoru reply.
Manchester is full of knobs – men with flock of seagull haircuts, earrings etc. Stinks of curry too – Manchester is the new Bradford lol
Fucking hell lads, just read through all posts and fucking pissed meself. Failsworth, Suhayl and Knightsmith , fairplay, you lot deserve a medal for telling the scouse cunts the way it is. How that dopey Jobo (scouse for Homo) twat thinks that Dipperville is a world respected team after Heysel and Hillsborough is beyond me. Keep up the good work in Dipper bashing ….thick cunts ain’t they.
Jobo… i have an equation for you :
Dippers
——– / Murdering Bastards
Heysel
Coming from the team who used Munich as a publicity event – well done.
Liverpool are respected right across the globe – not just China lol
if those murdering scouse scumbags hadnt got everyone banned from europe,on numerous occasions , we would have won the lot,, WE ‘VE WON THE PREM 11 TIMES WITHOUT SACKING ANYONE ,,WE’VE WON THE PREM 11 TIMES WITHOUT KILLING ANYONE ,,,dippers may have a rool in the 80′s but thats gone ,, now there nothin,,,,,stevie g wherever u may be
why did milan lift that famous trophy
ill tell u why coz ur team is wank
ill bet u wish u were a fuckin manc!,,,,,,,,,,,
You put your transfer in,
you take your transfer out,
in-out-in-out you shake it all about
you do the stevie gerrard and you turn around
that’s what it’s all about
,