This is the second in a monthly column that is fast becoming my favourite to write. The first one had mixed reviews with people criticising the language and style in which it was written. Apparently it had too much swearing in it which is odd considering the title of this column is “Cunt of the Month”; I would have thought swearing was an assumption! Also, it’s not meant to be taken seriously and I’m not expecting any awards for this writing. It’s a light hearted look at the previous month that gives you some casual reading compared to the usual tactical analysis, match reviews and player profiles that we get. So take that fucking stick out of your fat arse and enjoy the ride!
When I wrote the first article I did say that I would try to include a Man United cunt of the month so as to keep it fair but the month of February has been another good one for the Old Trafford faithful; Top of the league by 15 points, nicely poised in the CL against Madrid and a home FA Cup tie against Chelsea to look forward to…it’s not been a bad month for us at all. But… in the spirit of consistency and integrity I have decided to award the title to Rio Ferdinand for promising that fuckwit Russell Brand tickets to the Madrid game. I know this technically happened on the 1st of March but seeing as Feb is a short month I felt it was OK to include him. I love Rio but that’s just fucking shite especially when you consider Russell Brand is a West Ham fan. Fuck off and blow your bubbles somewhere else you twat!
When coming up with the idea for this award I wanted to exclude the “usual suspects” that included the likes of Stan Collymore, Joey Barton, Piers Morgan and the rest of the controversy seeking, self absorbed tossers that routinely appear as subjects of rants and abuse. However, the month of February saw some heroic efforts to win the award by some of our favourite cunts.
Stan Collymore put in an almost superhuman performance of cuntery as he followed up his “Carrick is United’s Weak Link” claim with a not so subtle dig at United legend George Best; or in his words: “Mr Liver Cirrhosis”. He then proceeded to block the millions of United fans who he hasn’t already blocked on Twitter. You’re not a “Top Red” if that wife-beating, sexual deviant hasn’t blocked you.
Joey Barton also had a cracking month; he started it in fine fashion after mis-quoting a Chinese dictator to back up his point that he’s richer than most of us & so, by his reckoning, more successful than any of us too. This was followed up by a 5-tweet verdict on Oscar Pistorius where Barton, with no evidence or legal training, declared Pistorius guilty. The odious little turd clearly forgetting that his own brother was found guilty of murder after a fair trial that was not played out in the world’s media.
These two could win the award on a monthly basis without any real competition. After banging my head on the wall until my ears bled I proceeded to look for other candidates for the sake of variety. There was a veritable feast of managerial candidates this month:
Arsene Wenger tried to steal the award away by asking “Who’s won more FA Cups” than him? Ummm…Alex Ferguson has. Unfortunately for Arsene, whilst it was a slightly embarrassing slip he won’t get his hands on this piece of silverware either.
Brendan Rodgers put himself forward as a leading candidate with this work of genius uttered after Liverpool lost 2-0 away against Azhi: “It was a near perfect away performance”; Near perfect? NEAR PERFECT?!!?! YOU JUST FUCKING LOST 2-0 YOU FUCKING NOB!!
This was clearly quite funny but somehow Roberto Mancini topped it by declaring himself to be the best manager in the league and subsequently claiming that United are lucky to be so many points clear. He based this on the fact that we get so many goals in injury time citing Robin van Persie’s winner at the Etihad as a perfect example. This is the same man whose team won the league on goal difference thanks to a last second goal in the final game of the season. Some people may call it ironic or hypocritical but to me it’s simply 100% cuntishness. It illustrates the pure bitterness, small mindedness and inferiority complex that has seen Manchester City fans labelled “bitters” Best Manager in the League? He’s not even the best Manager in Manchester the fucking deluded cunt.
It takes a MASSIVE effort to win the award in a month when a disabled athlete shot his girlfriend 4 times through a locked toilet door and then claimed he thought it was an intruder but Roberto Mancini, you are February’s Cunt of the Month. Congratulations you utter cretin.