I’m trying to perish the thought but it simply won’t be perished – Manchester United could actually win the Quintet. Until recently the word “quintet” didn’t exist in anyone’s vocabulary, least of all a Mancunian’s with his limited grasp of language.

If you asked your average Reds fan what he thought about the Quintet, he’d reply either a) He’s good but that bloke from Diagnosis Murder is better, or b) You always get a lot of kids if you use that IVF treatment.

Of course that’s not strictly true. Your average United fan would need the question translated into Thailandish before he could answer.

The only person who appears to be lacking in any intelligence is Derek McGovern, following a sweeping statement which claims Mancunians have a limited grasp of language. The Mirror’s columnist is clearly having a difficult time with imagining the prospect of United claiming all the trophies this season.

Yes, you moron, the average United fan is in fact from Thailand. Why on earth would Mancunians support United when they have the lure of City?

The fact that people in Thailand follow United is surely reflective of the size of our club. Not only do we own the city when it comes to support, but the appeal of our club draws in support from all around the globe.

It’s only when I learn he’s a dipper that my opinion softens. Poor bastard. If I was as bitter as that lot are at the moment, I’d probably end up writing something almost as pathetic. I’m surprised he didn’t close his statement with “fact!”, like his club’s barmy manager.

The only sad thing is that during these hard times, when people are losing their jobs up and down the country, this fool still gets paid to write such nonsense.

19 years.