The relegation battle last season fizzled out to nothing, with the three teams decided by April and no final or penultimate day drama. West Ham finished one place above the relegation zone but were a good five points clear of Burnley, with Gianfranco Zola enduring a pretty dismal season. Don’t forget the Hammers finished 9th the season before, separated from 8th placed Spurs by goal difference alone. But then, it’s always up and down for fans of this club.

We got in touch with Knees Up Mother Brown to ask them a few questions about last season, next season and some other bits and bobs in between. I think we rubbed them up the one way by referring to our club as ‘United’ instead of ‘Manchester United’, which seems to get on the nerves of some fans. Be warned, there’s not a lot of banter here, unlike the other VFTEs.

Scott the Red: Were you happy with your team’s performance last season?

Knees Up Mother Brown: Over the moon; fighting a relegation battle is underestimated.

STR: What are your aspirations for this season?

KUMB: To improve upon last.

STR: Who are you expecting to be your most important player this season?

KUMB: The one who’ll be heavily linked with a £15million+ move elsewhere come January.

STR: How do you rate your manager’s ability to take your club forward?

KUMB: Positively encouraged so far.

STR: What’s your favourite chant you’ve heard sung at your ground?

KUMB: We’ve only got one song. Apparently. So that one.

STR: Where do you think United will finish this season?

KUMB: Top 3

STR: If you could have any two players from United’s current squad playing for you, who would they be?

KUMB: Ferdinand and Carrick.

STR: What are your thoughts on United’s debt?

KUMB: Diabolical.

STR: What is your favourite game your club have played against United?

KUMB: The ‘taxi for Barthez’ Cup game at your place was a hoot.

STR: Where did David Gold get all this talk  about signing David Beckham from?

Ann Summers?

STR: Chelsea, Arsenal and Spurs all in the top four. How does that make Hammers fans feel?

KUMB: As those higher echelons are unlikely to trouble us this season – not half as worried as you lot, presumably.

STR: Does Carlton Cole have the potential to finish in the top 10 scorers?

KUMB: Tony Pulis seems to think so. Who are we to argue?

STR: Thanks.