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What is love? Robin Van Persie. Van Persie. Scores goals (and doesn’t exist).

Last year, my flatmates – all Arsenal fans, kept going on about this Robin Van Persie bloke. I kept telling them that Wayne Rooney would slap in him in the face in terms of quality of football player. They were adamant that he was stupendously good and every week, I watched Match of the Day and I would see him score amazing goals. Meh, I would say to myself, he’s alright but come on, stop with this madness. He’s an OK player. He’s on a good run. He’s always injured.

Then I found out he was nearing the end of his contract and was unlikely to agree a new deal with Arsenal.

Alarm bells. He can’t go to City. This guy is amazing. He’s absolutely incredible. We can’t let him follow Nasri out of the Emirates to the Etihad. The thought of even the possibility of him coming to United was so far away from my mind. I would lament with my Gunner friends. As a group, we would send thoughts to him and his agent to sign the contract extension at Arsenal. But as time wore on, he did nothing. There were stories of Juventus and Real Madrid wanting him and these were welcome destinations in my mind.

Bob Cass, friend of Ferguson, said that he was going to United. But he also said that we were going to sign Modric, Tiote, Lucas Moura and Sneijder.

Then, on August 15th 2012, Manchester United Football Club announce that they have agreed a deal with Arsenal for Robin van Persie.

But he’ll fail the medical, obviously.

He signs. Big presser. A little boy inside of him told him to come to us. To this day I can’t believe that he plays for us. I mean, it’s ridiculous. It’s ridiculous that I think it’s ridiculous. We’re the biggest club in the world. We make more money than everyone else. We’ve got a magnificent history but we are also the only team in England that competes for the title every single season. But we don’t sign big players, certainly not the best player in the league, as was confirmed by the PFA and Football Writers awards he won the season before. You’d have to go back to 1995 to find a signing even slightly comparable, when luring Andrew Cole away from Newcastle, after he won the PFA Young Player of the Year the season before he joined us and was on 9 goals in 18 games.

Van Persie scored against Fulham. Awesome. Beautiful bit of technique that only he can do. Goal against Southampton, terrible Panenka penalty, two goals in the last four minutes to win us the game. A hat-trick. Oh Robin van Persie is born.

He then scored our winning goal against Liverpool ten minutes from time. Against Chelsea, a Van Persie shot found it’s way in to the back of the goal with less than five minutes on the clock, via David Luiz, before he put us 2-0 up after twelve minutes. The following week he faced his former club and scored after 2 minutes 35 seconds. As if his start to life at United could get any better, he then goes and scores a 92nd minute winner against City, the club he turned down to join us, to put us six points clear at the top.

On December 15th 2012, oh Robin Van Persie scores against Sunderland and sets up a goal for his new life partner, Wayne Rooney. After the game quotes come out on Twitter. “I finally found home and peace. I hope the Man United fans can forgive me for coming late.” Now, these quotes were clearly bullshit but Arsenal fans around the world went batshit crazy. “TRAITOR”, they yelled. “JUDAS!” 20 hours later, a video emerged of ORVP singing a rendition of what my flatmates refer to as, “Boring, Boring – Man United”.

I love him.

But does he actually exist? I cast my mind back to the joke that one of my aforementioned flatmates made last year. “Van Persie’s character on FIFA 12 looks more like Van Persie than Van Persie!” This alarms me.

Then I remember what poet and football writer, Musa Okwonga said while we watched United vs Arsenal last month. “Van Persie is the only player in the world who plays like his character on FIFA.”

It suddenly dawned on me. He was a fake. A phony. An illusion. Robin van Persie didn’t exist. I should have known all along. I recall the doctored images of him in a United shirt before the deal had been announced. They looked too good to be true. They were too good to be true. I then went over to my games console, put in FIFA 13 and selected United. 4-4-2. Big Dave, Rafa, Smalling, Rio, Evra, Tony V, Clevz, Carrick, Young, Rooney, The Fake.

ALAS! The way his character on FIFA controls the ball with the precision dribbling is exactly like the “real” man. The way he back-heeled it into the path of the on running Tom Cleverly was identical to the way he did against Sunderland on Saturday. I even recreated the close control and right foot curler against City that his the bar, came out to Young and was disallowed. When you hold the two back triggers on FIFA with Van Persie in possession, IT IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS WHEN HE DOES IT IN “REAL LIFE”! The way he runs, passes and shoots is uncanny. Even his uppercut celebration is the one that he does on the computer game.

I realise I may sound crazy and I’m opening myself up to ridicule but I challenge you to look at a compilation of our Dutchman on YouTube, do it on FIFA and not spot something fishy.

Over the last day, I have grown to accept this truth. I only hope that you can too. It will only lead to a cleaner and less heartbreaking escape when the EA Servers go down during 2013’s Champion’s League Final just before he scores a winning bicycle kick against Barcelona…

———-

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33 Comments

  1. cleggster says:

    Van Persie’s great
    Van Persie’s class
    Van Persie scores with his ass
    ….. I got to sit to xmas dinner with inlaw gooners down south this year, think yourself all lucky.

  2. Mitch Kramer says:

    well, that was a disappointing piece.. give me something to read please, Scott.

  3. TexasLonghorn says:

    Yeah…

  4. ididnotzeeit says:

    Bit of an odd read.

    FIFA ’13 aside, he’s loving his football, loves his team mates and has quieted any neigh sayers prior to his arrival. Too old this, too fragile that, too expensive, desperate SAF, blah, blah, blah.

    Bottom line, he’s here, he’s everything we could have possibly imagined and is playing some terrific football along side a revitalised Wayne Rooney.

    I’d argue we’ve got the best striking partnership in Europe with those 2. Chicharito laying in wait on the bench, hungry to prove his worth, is almost bloody unfair. Almost :)

  5. Liam Miller's Love says:

    this made me laugh. it’s also fucking true. I always wonder if EA made a different match engine just for van persie. great piece.

  6. Ironbrand says:

    Finally figured out how to post comments here wid d android. STR… RVP isnt real. I feel you on that, mate

  7. Fibes says:

    Who the fuck is Robin Van PERISE?

  8. RedRed says:

    What the hell did I just read?

  9. peacefulpaul says:

    Love it! :-)

  10. Daniel88 says:

    Robin Van Persie is a considerably better footballer than Wayne Rooney.
    Robin Van Persie is currently the best player in the league.
    Robin Van Persie has been the best player in the league since the former best player in the league Cesc Fabregas left for Barcelona.

    I love Robin Van Persie.

    Check out this video. Its Ian Wright talking about RVP to MUFC. He is so right about everything and is genuinely pained by Arsenals plight.
    - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dR8C8Xxe74s

    I am watching MNF mainly to see Gary Neville.
    #bestpunditever

  11. robv17 says:

    Haha that’s exactly what I said when he hit the crossbar against city. It was a carbon copy of fifa. Saying that, I play fifa a lot so I assume you do aswell.

  12. Union Jack says:

    I have just driven through Reading town centre past a load of arsenal fans waiting for their bus from the station to the ground.
    It made me smile to hear them chanting

    You’re a cunt robin, you’re a cunt.
    You’re a cunt robin, you’re a cunt
    You’re a cunt robin, you’re a cunt,
    Oh robin you’re a cunt

    It’s good to know they’re not bitter.

  13. gaz says:

    Niall Quinn is an annoying long headed cock

  14. FletchTHEMAN says:

    Robin van Persie did not leave his former club for money, he left because he wanted a challenge and wanted a club with at least as great a tradition of as his former great club.
    Robin van Persie CHOSE United because he understood something of the history and wanted to see if he could step into even larger shoes than he had had before.
    Robin van Persie CHOSE United NOT because it was the biggest salary, or the best financial deal. To the contrary, the deal at United was a sizable reduction from what he could have had at several other clubs.
    Robin van Persie CHOSE the #20 shirt because he understood the significance of a 20th league title.
    Robin van Persie did not ask for one of the more famous numbered shirts because he felt he should earn such an honor through his actions on the pitch.

    Robin van Persie has started 18games (4subs). In these games he has scored 15 goals….
    Robin van Persie has scored in 10 of 18 games in which he has started…….
    Robin van Persie has scored the first goal or the winning in 10 games out of the 21 he has appeared.
    …..early days but this is a strike rate rivaling another Dutch master who left us too early.

    Robin van Persie’s goal v Sunderland was the 1500th goal scored by the reds at Old Trafford during Sir Alex’s reign.

    Mr Robin van Persie ladies and gentlemen! He IS all that!

  15. Kumlaham says:

    Fucking great article.I LOVE VAN PERSIE! Glory glory man utd

  16. wayne says:

    The only person Le Arse fans should be blaming is Wenger,doesn’t want to pay the top players wages they can get at other clubs.Pays 20+ players 50k or more a lot of them rubbish but only offers RVP 125k ,their whole policy is backwards,can’t be a top club without top players simple as that.

  17. mansuy united says:

    Not up to the usual standard of this blog, content and grammar are sorely lacking. Glad he shares in my joy at watching Red Robin bang in the goals though. Long may that continue.

  18. FletchTHEMAN says:

    Another Dutch lad pinching himself with the company he’s keeping!

    https://twitter.com/i/#!/FletchTM/media/slideshow?url=pic.twitter.com%2Fcd60hMKW

    Erm…. the little on…… in the middle ;)

  19. Dela says:

    Play with van persie in FIFA 13 on legendary against the CPU, make sure it’s against good opposition. His finishing is excellent, if you can get it on his left, although he can finish well with the right too. However, his control of the ball and his balance is shocking. I know in FIFA 13 u have to lean to control every pass, particularly if playin with pace, but the level of error and mistakes van persie makes, and how easily he is dispossessed is a real annoyance. Still, you have to play him be ause his finishing is devastating but I think EA sports screwed him a bit in areas.

  20. advice and help says:

    tell you what …i am waiting for the season to start i think i am in a very deep sleep and dreaming we RVP …Wozza and little pea all playing for us…cannot be real i am dreading someone pinching me and telling me it was all a fucking dream

  21. Red Army 75 says:

    Well done to Scott on allowing a different style of blog. Trippy. Nice one.

  22. WeAreUnited says:

    Scott I can relate on this. I play PES, but I won the best goalscorer award with Robin Van Persie haha, he’s a beast.

    Anyway, I have many times stated, that when I see RVP playing for us, I think I’m in a dream. It’s not real.
    I don’t know why, maybe cause he played for a long time for Arsenal, that it seems impossible.

    My bet is, that ManUtd have always been his favourite club when he was achild, he just was bought by the wrong coach. Now he plays for his favourite team and does it in a perfect way. BTW. This is just my observation.

    PS. I still can’t believe we got RVP, and to think Iwas against it at first. WOW. I didn’t also realise his awesomes, mayeb cause he played for the Gooners.

    Anyway. ooooooooooooo robin van persieeeeeeeeeeeeeee………..

  23. samuel - united WE stand says:

    RVP, a player that epitomises the beauty of technical football. He Oozes class with and without the ball, he has the quick mindedness of world class players, the quick nimble feet and balance of a stunt man running on hot coal. He has guile and imagination, flair added with years of experience. Always seen him as more of a creator than a goal scorer at arsenal but looking at a goal he scored against charlton in the PL, in which he hopped into the air and technically guide the ball past the keeper, you can’t help but admire his ability

    There was always a risk with his signing and there still is but the gamble was worth taking, he has learnt his craft in the PL, has all the know-how to elude defenders. He is an all round talismanic striker at his prime. Fergie got him.in not only for now buf to also inspire and pass on experience to the likes of welbeck. 24mill well spent.

  24. Marq says:

    His stats for the past 1-2 years is only bettered by Messi & Ronaldo I think. Awesome deal

  25. Sarb001 says:

    Stay off the drugs Scott

  26. WeAreUnited says:

    @samuel my friend, you put it like it is.

    very nice, all what you said is 100% true.

    Gotta admit, that when he played for arsenal, I didn’t realise that, and imagine how the lad has won our hearts, a little while ago he was a gooner. Now he is our soul and rooney heart.

    Crazy to think, how gooners feel, when he left. We are familiar with the feeling, when Ronaldo left, but it wasn’t the same, we knew it all along and he went t o Real Madrid. That’s why I admire SAF in this, he rarely sells our best players to our opponents. That’s why if Nani is unfortunately sold in the summer, I can bet that he will be sold to another country.

    That’s why we will never feel what the gooners feel about RVP. We touched the subject with the Rooney saga, but he came around, some forgave him, some didn’t, and some like me forgave him in steps and has now forgiven him 99%, the 1% will always remain there.

    So it’s a hard place to sell your best player and see him sing gloryglory.

    That’s why we have to be thankfull, for our great team, and STOP moaning after every goal we concede, or if we tend to lose. Which I can’t see us doing for a moment. The never say attitude and our mentality are in a place that we know as the theatre of dreams, I think, it has been a while, when we thought, that we will never lose to anyone. I think that moment is now!!!

    Let’s enjoy the ride, the comebacks, the fights, the mockery of the ABU’s, the taunting and the media.

    We will never die, because,

    We Are ManUtd, and we’ll do what we want.

    #GLORYGLORY #IAMUNITED

  27. LoneStarRed says:

    Well written STR. Whatever you were drinking prior to and during the writing process agreed with you.

  28. LoneStarRed says:

    @ Union Jack 20:32

    Funny that

    @ Fletch The Man
    Well Done. That is what a winning tradition and mentality does for us !

    @ Texas Longhorn
    Are you from Texas ? :)

  29. JIXIE says:

    I know exactly where you’re coming from. In my heart of hearts I still don’t believe he plays for us. We’ve been disappointed by many so called great players we’ve wanted (Lucas, the bloke from Milan last year et al). However it takes a really special type of footballer to play for Sir Alex’s United. Mental strength, good character and real love for football and its history. This probably explains why we don’t sign these so called stars.

  30. CR9 says:

    Forget FIFA play PES instead

  31. AlphaRS says:

    I wondered whether this was going to turn in to a betting post.

  32. Loveeverythingfootball says:

    Loved this article -Imagination at it’s best. I still can’t believe he plays for us either, after his ‘bergkampesque best miss i’ve ever seen’ last season i’ve wanted him a utd shirt. The excitement i feel everytime i see him in our team is just reward for Ferguson and Utd’s discipline and patience in the transfer market, that we spent the money on the right man at the right time. The novelty has not worn off and long may it continue……

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