It’s been a funny old week in football. Here are the best bits:

“It’s not the same any more. To be honest, it’s rough. Everywhere new that opens attracts the wrong type of people. It’s not nice, so I haven’t bothered to go out.”
Alex Curran, Steven Gerrard’s wife
The wrong type of people? The type who beat up DJs who don’t play the music they like?

“When you are at a top club with top players you understand that a big squad is needed and you won’t play every game.”
Carlos Tevez
Strange that. 51 appearances including 45 minutes in the Champions League final wasn’t enough for Tevez but since joining City he’s OK with not playing all the time? Funny the difference £60k a week makes…

“Seriously getting pissed off now. Why can’t anything be simple. It’s so frustrating hanging round doing jack shit. Do I want to go to Hull City, no. Do I want to go to Stoke, no. Do I want to go to Sunderland, yes. So stop fucking around, Levy.”
Darren Bent
His rant on Twitter cost him £80k. Funny though.

“Those Adidas balls move around a lot!”
Craig Cathcart
The less than convincing explanation for hitting our woodwork against Boca Juniors.

“We lost the title because of not winning enough home games against sides who ended up mid-table. Liverpool need players who can drop deep, find unexpected space, use a bit of quality and open up a game. Rooney and Tevez are the kind of footballers who pull defenders and holding midfielders into places they don’t want to be.”
Fernando Torres
As it is, you’re just going to have to settle for no Rooney, no Tevez… and probably no Alonso and no Mascherano.

“My relationship with the United fans was always excellent. They were very supportive of me, and they will always be close to my heart. I hope I will get a good reception, because I am very fond of them and we had a good understanding.”
Carlos Tevez
Yes, it was excellent, until you joined for our hated rivals and repeatedly lied about the manager in the press. Now we think you’re a cunt and you’ll be booed every time you go near the ball. However, we do appreciate you continuing to tell the press how much you love us – I’m sure that goes down really well with the bluenoses.