The infamous Manchester United Christmas Party, which saw our name dragged through the dirt and Jonny Evans branded a rapist, had disaster written all over it from the very beginning. Drafting in fit birds from all over the country at the ‘no WAGS allowed’ bash was pretty much asking for a rape charge.

It was believed Mr Bling himself, Rio Ferdinand, was the mastermind of it all, something he denied in the press, and he has today described the manager’s hairdryer treatment which follows such occasions.

“It’s not pretty, it’s unbelievable,” said Rio. “If you talk back to him, he just keeps going louder and louder until you shut up. The worst we’ve seen is after we behaved badly on a night out. Then, the fireworks explode and he goes bananas. Everyone’s heads are on the floor, trying not to catch his eye. And he’s right to do it and we all know that if we do it again, we’ll be out the door.”