“I remember hearing our fans in the stands who were surprised at my refusal to join the attack shouting and urging me to go forward,” said John Paintsil. “But I refused and it paid off in the end. Ronaldo couldn’t score, we won the match and my coach gave me £10,000 for a good job done.”

Sadly for him, being given a £10k reward would be breaking Premiership guidelines as all bonuses have to be included in a player’s contract. Either that, or he’s talking out of his arse!

“It is rubbish to suggest any of our players were given £10,000 for beating Manchester United,” said the club’s spokesperson. “None of them received any extra money.”

Ha ha what a dick.