Dimitar Berbatov, the laziest man in football, only scored three goals against Manchester United’s hated rivals, Liverpool, this afternoon. You might think this is impressive but it’s nothing that hasn’t been done before. Stan Pearson bagged three goals against the dippers during our 5-0 win back in 1946, so, don’t make out like it’s a big deal, because it isn’t. The last time it happened at Old Trafford was Joe Spence in 1928 as part of our 6-1 win over them. So, we had to wait over 60 years for another player to do the same, so what.

As for his goals, well, you’ll never see a more languid three goals scored in your life. For the first goal, he couldn’t be bothered doing anything to stop Fernando Torres from dragging him back. The Spaniard wrapped his arms around Berb as he let the ball hit his head, watched it fly in to the top corner, then he fell over. Probably wanted to a lie down after all the effort he put in to getting in to the perfect goalscoring position.

And don’t even get me started on the second goal! The lazy, work-shy Bulgarian couldn’t even be arsed to turn around to face the goal to score this one! Oh no, Berbaflop would rather control the ball with his thigh and flick it over his head than waste energy turning around. Still, he only managed to aim it at the cross bar. Luckily it bounced over the line.

Then Steven Gerrard dragged his team back in to the game, scoring from the only two chances Liverpool had, one a penalty and the other a freekick.

So Berbatov made us wait a whole 14 minutes before wrapping up the three points for us, taking his goal tally this season to 6 goals in 5 games (7 goals in 6 if you include the Charity Shield against Chelsea). Being top scorer in the league is so overrated though.

Thanks for nothing, Berb, you lazy bastard.

Video of Berbatov’s hattrick
Quick Berb stat
Anti-Berbatov bandwagon reaches a new low
United’s top two scorers – how does Berbatov compare?