This evening I plan to go out and get pissed with my mates. Get rat arsed. Sing football songs. Have a go at any bluenose who gets cocky.

Then I’ll be in the mood for a bit of Joy Division. Love Will Tear Us Apart Again. The DJ won’t fancy it as it doesn’t really fit in with the ‘scene’. Give a fuck. I want Joy Division. Give us that fucking thing and let me put Joy Division on. Fucking give it me. Right, you’re having it now. Come on lads, let’s all have a go on this DJ cunt.

Tomorrow I’ll wake up with a sore head and mashed up fists after cracking that DJ three times in the face. I’ll have texts on my phone from my other mate who was getting digs in and all. Shit. There was CCTV all over that place. I will have been caught throwing punches and they’ll have seen me being seriously vexed as I was dragged away. Shit. Assault and affray can get me 3-5 years. I’m fucked.

Unless… no, it would never work. Would it? Could I claim self defence? Could I say that after following the DJ and shouting abuse at him for not feeling my Madchester mood, that I thought he was going to hit me? Yeh, yeh, that’s it. I’ll say I thought he was going to hit me so it was self defence that my mate and I punched him over and over. All the other lads that were with me were in the wrong but I’ll say it had nothing to do with me and my punches were thrown in self-defence.

What do you mean that’ll never stand up in court?